Maxx Mandelbrot | EMPOWERING GOA 

Oh my. What to choose? Almost 4 years working on cruise ships, I saw plenty of embarassing scenes. It’s like being in international waters prompts people to throw out any sense of propriety or modesty.

Number 1

Called to a guest cabin to troubleshoot the In-Suite Entertainment System (ISE) pay-per-view. I knock, and the door is opened by a gorgeous woman in her mid-40s, dressed in a red lace teddy and a silk robe, billowing open, hiding absolutely nothing. I freeze, having had it drummed into me that we do NOT enter cabins with scantily clad ladies unless accompanied by another crew member. From inside, a male voice calls out “C’mon in! We’re just relaxing.” Ok, there’s a man in there, so it’s safe to enter. I slide past the lady, who is partially blocking the doorway, and enter the cabin to find the man, tied to the bed in a pair of red satin boxers and nothing else. He is quite obviously aroused. There is porn playing on the TV, so clearly there is no real problem with the ISE. Long story short, they were swingers and just wanted a male crew member to play with that evening. Well, she wanted to be serviced by a male crewmember while her husband watched helplessly from the bed. I grabbed the tv remote, poked a few buttons like I was checking something, and then got the hell out of there.

Number 2

Sound asleep in my bed (lower bunk of a 2 bunk cabin that I had all to myself) when I felt someone, most definitely and undeniably female, slide into bed with me and snuggle up VERY close. Now, I slept naked on ships, because a) i always had a cabin to myself , and b) the crew cabins were always too warm for my liking. The female (whom I couldn’t see, because I kept my room pitch dark – no porthole), was also naked. She was also snoring. So, there i am, wide awake now, a naked woman lying half on me, drooling/snoring on my chest. Every slight movement I made to try and extricate myself prompted deeper snuggling action as she tried to burrow in closer. Now there’s arousal on my part, as the parts that were in contact with me felt firm, smooth and toned. I forced myself to ignore the situation as best i could and go back to sleep. A couple hours later, I felt her get up, the bathroom light went on, the toilet was used, she flushed, came out and went “EEEEK!” and i heard the cabin door open and close, and bare feet pattering down the hall. I never found out who it was, or how she got in my room (although it was not uncommon for the crew purser to mess up and code multiple rooms to the same key card) but i did go and get a new key card programmed the next day. Presumably, it was a very drunk lady, who had a misprogrammed key card, and had gone down the hall trying every door with her card looking for her room, and assumed the first door she was able to open must be her room. Crazy.

Number 3

Not in a guest or crew cabin, but in the disco on one of the older ships in the fleet. Hanging out with the orchestra (the live musicians for teh broadway-style shows in the main theatre), watching this lady. There always seems to be that one woman, dancing by herself WAY too early in the evening, way too drunk too early. This woman had been spotted as a braid bunny (a guest who likes to seduce ship’s officers in uniform, ID’d by rank braid on sleeves or shoulder tabs). the buzz was that she’d already banged 2 or 3 junior officers on the cruise so far, 4 days in of an 11 day cruise. It was kind of like watching a train wreck as she would grab a uniformed guy from a random table, drag him out on the dance floor and start grinding on him. She wasn’t unattractive, but there was some debate as to whether she was attractive enough to risk getting fired over… We watched as 7 officers in a row extricated themselves from her advances and got the heck out of there. With no more officers in sight, she suddenly noticed a table full of musicians and me in my formal evening attire (conservative tux). All 6 of us pushed back our chairs and bolted from the disco as she started towards our table. We didn’t go back to the casino for the rest of that cruise.

Number 4

Walking through a crew corridor i normally didn’t visit, looking for this dude who cut hair. I see a line of about 8 guys sitting on chairs outside a cabin, so I assume this must be the place. I grab a chair. In turn, the other guys go in, are in for about 20 minutes, and then come out. My turn eventually comes up, I go on in. There’s a Filipino girl, naked on the bed. A bowl of condoms on the nightstand, and a coffee mug full of $20 bills. She looks me up and down, says “Suck or fuck?” so i said “uh, haircut?”. She laughed and gave me that guy’s room #, and told me “you come back after, first time special”. I left and got my haircut. I did not go back for the “first time special”. Apparently, I should’ve been paying attention to the guys coming out. I might have noticed that nobody looked like they had gotten a haircut, and in fact looked kind of disheveled. She was doing good business, though. That coffee cup probably had a lot of money in it.

So, there you go. 4 “tales from the waterline”.


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